Choosing to Not Live in Fear
I have been afraid before. There are many things that scare me but in true grown up ways I call it things like being concerned. No one wants to admit they are afraid. That is simply weak and adults who are success can’t afford to say that. It seems human nature to fear what we don’t think we can control and so much is sometimes out of our control. The risk from things we fear can compel us to have these gut clenching experiences where life seems volatile and even unsafe as a result. Yet, each day when we open our eyes there is a choice made on how we will live with this fear.
At one point in my life fear seemed a normal every day feeling. It was how I survived. There were so many things in my life that were uncertain and unstable that it created this condition of anxiousness in how to move. I thought at the time this was how life was too. There are after all no guarantees and this constant maneuvering to try to create some semblance of balance is at best exhausting. The worry that comes from living with fear takes its toll and adds to the already growing things we are concerned (i.e. scared) about. Without it at times I wonder if I would have made the decisions I did but quickly remind myself I wouldn’t want to repeat some of it to find out.
Fear was my survival means. It helped me stay out of situations that could have drained everything I had or put me in harm’s way. It served me to have some fear back in those days when I only had myself to rely on and the world was scary. I could wrap myself in fear on cold nights and know that I was doing all I knew to do and even some things I didn’t but was trying to figure it out. It gave me growth, courage and a whole lot of other skills. How easy it is to slip into a dark space in life and go free falling into the abyss. I was doing all could to avoid that because I feared that the most.
There comes a time in our lives though where we have to move beyond the fear. Or rather we should. It seems to be our choice as fear is always a welcoming host. It will always be there, just at our finger tips waiting to expand if we let it. Fear is this cloth that never seems to finish unfolding off the bolt. Moving out of the direct line of fear though is never easy. Time and again we will find ourselves looking at it, even seeking comfort in it as it is what many of us know as our normal. It is what I know as normal even to this day when I don’t have it at the forefront of how I live, it is still there. When things look shaky in my life I immediately go to that safe space of fear and let the anxiety of the situation come alive in my bones. It’s from that position I can move in a way I know to deal with whatever is in front of me.
From my own experience I believe you can be both a warrior and have fear. So many of us are strong when we need to be, doing what needs to be done or what we can do and yet we hurt on the inside. There is uncertainty, anxiety, stress and exhaustion from it all. We are scared and yet we do our best to not show it. We don’t have time to show it either. That’s what keeps us up at night. The space between the stars where we have to then contend with the fear and scared feelings we couldn’t risk showing during the day. This is where I learned to deal with my fear. I figured out how to channel it and use it to make me stronger but at times it also just made me cry. Fear is like that, it sometimes is stronger than us and we have to let the emotions out first in order to leverage it for our next move.
That part about moving beyond the fear, is nice pretty words intended to be inspirational and motivating. No one wants to actively live in fear but yet many of us do. When we are in the midst of it we feel like we are wielding fear in protection of ourselves so it feels like we are doing something, anything to gain back the upper hand. Most of the time though we are simply making it worse or at the very least making it bigger in our own minds. Fear is real and I don’t down play it but I also know how it can manifest into real life monsters we cannot contain and their incessant appetite grows once loose.