There was a time in my life when I thought things must get easier when you get older. Surely, that must be true and life is not constantly a jagged path fighting, pushing and pulling to make it in the world. Sooner or later I would reach my goals and life would be easy. The road I was on would lead me there and it would be the victory I’d been waiting for.
Maybe life would be easier if I weren’t so ambitious I was once told. That took me back a bit in realizing maybe indeed it was me making life’s journey harder than it needed to be. Wasn’t I supposed to have goals? Was I pursuing the wrong things? I didn’t think so and it wasn’t so much my goals were unreasonable either just sometimes the path to reaching them is hard. Not everyone has people to help them along the way, I sure didn’t at points.
It is amazing how often things people say to you stick with you for years to come. As I would set new goals in my life this ambitious comment would appear in my mind questioning my plans. Was I reaching too far this time? It started to feel like the angel and devil on my shoulders arguing about what I should do or not do. This would come up too anytime things started to be hard or challenging in reaching those goals too like a told you so look of satisfaction. I would keep pushing though because that’s what rebels like me tend to do.
Most recently, this journey in my life led me to a job change. I’d had a few of those in my career and I was at the fork in the road of another. The easy answer was to tolerate workplace abuse by a screaming manager and corporate bully. It was a good company, people don’t leave those no matter what. They work through it and make it the best they can. That’s what alcohol is for as an adult when they can’t work through it very fast and the dread of Monday is too close to the Friday they waited all week to get away from it. I wasn’t satisfied living like that though.
It isn’t easy starting over all the time but the alternative didn’t seem like a happy place either. Maybe that’s why that person called me ambitious so long ago as I was not