The Scale Battle

I only remember one time feeling confident going to the doctor’s office and stepping on the scale. It was still intimidating but of all the other times I had put myself on that scale I had something to be proud of that day. Having been through a divorce and rebuilding my life I had also decided to take on losing weight. It seems that is my mode of operation to begin new things in the middle of everything being in ruins. It is exactly what I did that time too and today a shiny new number was going in my patient file. That was the only time though.

Having someone see what you actually weigh is so messed up. It is the ultimate in embarrassment of feeling inadequate. At the end of the day all that matters and what I will be forever judged by through that number. It sticks with you too long after you’ve gone off to do other things. That feeling of failure, not being what you should be and beating yourself up over it can last for weeks afterwards. Maybe that’s just me though. I know the number won’t be what I consider good and now someone else has seen it too and then the doctor sees it and tsk tsks at you. As if this was a choice!

The weight struggle is real and many of us deal with it every day. There may not have ever been a time you felt confident getting on any scale either. In so many areas of my life I feel strong and have to be to get through life but this one little thing stands out as the beast I cannot conquer. Even before my doctor’s appointment I will start thinking about having to step on that scale. Mentally preparing myself for what I know will be disappointment and shame. It seems so much bigger than a number.

In a time where I could say just use that experience as an encouragement to do better or set a goal to make it better next time it will fall on deaf ears. Most of the time we feel so deflated after seeing that number and having others see it we don’t want to talk about it at all. We need to sulk some and figure out how to control the negative self-talk that is like a loud rock concert in our heads right now. At times I have been so distracted by that number I don’t even remember what I came to the doctor’s office to talk about!

As I approach an upcoming doctor’s appointment for a check-up, I am already thinking of that scale. I know the number is going to suck. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been working out more or trying to eat better, it will still just suck when whatever that number is in front of me and the nurse. I