It feels clean. Life smells better and feels better too when it is simple and clean. There is no frustration in not being able to find somethin you need to complete a task. There is no stress. You can enjoy the moment. The noise, chaos, clutter and distractions are gone. It feels lighter, bigger, happier. If it feels this good in our home, that safe space we rest and make the best of for our family, then why can’t we create it in the rest of our lives too?
I get into this routine where it seems I just keep up with things. It’s not that the house is dirty because I do clean it regularly but sometimes it just needs that next level cleaning and organizing. The systems are no longer working and it’s time for a freshening up. How often I feel like this in a lot of areas of my life to be honest. I put it off though thinking it will self-fix itself and stop causing the stress in my life that it does regularly. The drama, chaos, noise will settle down and we can get back to normal. The weight I’m piling on will go away and my clothes will fit again. You would think after a while I would figure out nothing ever really fixes itself. From our health, jobs, family and homes there so much we just live with like that; hoping one day it just gets better and we can feel better finally.
My job had been relentless with stress and chaos for months. I am in the middle of another job hunt on top of dealing with garage in the job I have now while praying it lasts until l can leave it. By the end of the day or weekend I’m done. There’s nothing left in me except to go through the motions of making sure the laundry gets done, floors get a quick sweep and we have some food in the fridge. Everything else isn’t important because I have no energy to give it. Even things I love doing like making a new quilt, trying out a new recipe in the kitchen or just spending time with my family seems over the top. Let’s not even mention you know working out or seeing friends. I couldn’t even tell you who my friends were these days.
I recognize I no longer have the energy to do it too because I’m burned out from what’s going on in my life. That guilt sinks in that we know we should take care of that situation or we should have the energy like we used to and stop letting this bother us so much but that’s doesn’t work. I have scolded myself quite harshly for this over the years and even now I feel the brunt of those words that I’m just a loser come to mind. It’s all my fault right? We’re all responsible for our own lives so what mine looks like right now is surely my fault. All of it. The job, the asshole boss that screams, the back stabbing co-worker, the disorganization of my home, the bathroom I bought