First I can’t believe I’m admitting this to anyone. Yet I know so many are like me and dealing with it in silent. In the little ways I’ve asked questions of my friends without openly admitting this I think most of us just don’t talk about it. No one wants to say it aloud. Or at least in what we are comfortable saying it’s not much but perhaps we’re too embarrassed to admit it even to our friends? That’s where I am at least … until you read this post today.
Deep breath and… go
I’m not loving sex.
As in my body is changing, I don’t feel good about how I look and I’m not interested in that. For a while now.
There it’s “out there” and I can’t believe I just said that “out loud.” I also just swore at the screen in disbelief I’m writing this stuff down.
I’ve done the normal things like fake it, ignore it and even went to my doctor. She prescribed birth control pills. They seemed to make it worse as in my menstrual cycle went from 3 to 4 days long to almost 2 weeks every month. I really didn’t want to have sex with feeling bloated and going through that on top of how I was already feeling. Was I just at that age where you don’t anymore? Is there an age and no one tells us that? Was I making too big a deal of this?
Then in talking with a couple friends hearing about how things were going and saying they too weren’t that into it, I realized something really important. They sounded stressed out, tired, not pretty and well not into it. That sounded very familiar to me too. I mean seriously most of us are craving our messy hair buns, chips and stretchy black yoga pants not lacy uncomfortable outfits and having to redo our makeup. Plus when you’re carrying extra weight nothing makes you feel more non-sexy. It doesn’t matter how much your lover says you’re gorgeous and loved if you don’t feel it or see it you don’t believe it.
I knew my problem included some hormonal changes I am experiencing but there was more to this problem going on inside my own mind. My mind was on errands, work chaos, homework and school challenges our son was having, bills that needed paying and well even normal stuff like the pile of laundry that needed to be done. How sad that I was thinking about laundry and my dirty house rather than getting it on. There used to be a time I would get them both done and have energy to spare. Given the choice it wouldn’t have been the laundry either. My friends sound the same way. It just wasn’t on the top of our list or mind.
Let’s face it we live in a sex crazed world. There is sex everywhere you look from TV, printed and posted ads to clothing. It is everywhere so you can’t say you don’t have hints about it every single day. I believe at some point it just becomes too much. For me at least it takes away the surprise and wonder about it where I feel like so much of it is out there that I can’t make it my own. It makes me doubt myself too. Am I doing it right? Do I feel like I should? Should I be talking or making more noise? It becomes very confusing only adding to thought of this being one more thing I have to do in my day.
I don’t want sex to feel like a chore. I have enough of those on my to-do list and seriously how awkward would that be? Can you imagine Alexa announcing it on my schedule in the morning when I’m making coffee? “Your schedule today, blah, blah, blah and at 9:00PM have sex with husband. Have a great day Amy.” Great even Alexa is on my back about not wanting it now.
The more I’ve explored this the last few months the more I realize there is really one single answer to a complex problem. We have to feel like ourselves. The real us underneath the labels of what we do all day long and what is pulling on us for attention. That being inside all of us that we ignore because we don’t have time and there’s a million things ahead of getting to what we need or want or care about. The reason we miss our workouts and eat chocolate instead of a healthy snack. The one thing inside us with a voice, heart and soul that does make us feel exuberant and alive that when we are in perfect balance with our whole self is the most confident, beautiful, graceful and happy person you’ve ever met regardless of her exterior size.
Do you know who that is inside you?
Achieving that sensation is living in our true natural state. It’s where we start to recognize our own needs as having value, honoring and fulfilling them. It’s where our sex interest is waiting to be reawakened because that too is a need we have just ignored for so long we don’t know we have it anymore. This isn’t saying there cannot be physical things going on too like the hormonal changes I’m experiencing so we may need to work on both. I believe both can be managed naturally too and having a doctor that partners with you on that is key.
It starts with us being honest that how we are living isn’t natural for us. It’s not making us happy, fulfilled or feeling good about ourselves. It’s working to reduce the stress and things that are in the way of us being truer to our own needs. That may not be possible all the time but is necessary for us to work towards constantly. For too long we’ve been pressured to work like we don’t have kids and mother like we don’t work. That is simply the biggest BS societal standard someone ever spoke and is impossible to achieve. So stop trying. Be more you and less of what you are told you should be.
So for me this has included working with my doctor to get my hormones calmer so I can feel better physically and drop some of the weight I’ve put on as a result while working to reduce my own stress. It has meant looking at what is on my to-do list and being realistic about what I can do in a day. That may or may not include the laundry. It’s been recognizing I need to be more me.
It also more importantly means we all need to stop suffering in silence trying to be something we will never be and letting it steal our own joy of every day natural living.
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